a lot of thoughts jumping around in her head.

[caution: this will be a very emotional and private post]

I had these thoughts the last few days and they kept me from all the important things I have to do...

A self-reflection:

In my opion, I have many to give. Emotionally, I mean. I only have a huge problem to express them. That's why some people might think I'm insensitive. But that's not true. Inside of me are so many feelings I'd like to let out but it is like they were locked behind a door. A door to which I don't have the key. All these feelings want to break out. In vain. Something inside me refuses to let them out.

All these things frustrate me in a way 'cause I know my problem but feel helplessly at the moment. I wonder what happened in the past that I became the person I am now. (well, I think to know the reason.)

I always find it easier to write about those things. I find it really hard to speak about my own feelings and everything emotinally. Most people don't understand it. Perharps I'm just afraid to get hurt.

I try my best to find the key to the door, to unlock it, that all my feelings are finally free and that I can express them without fear. I finally want to love and live unlimited!

(Phew, this is going to be a very long post...)

There is also one (male) person in my life who I rebuffed eight months ago and still he's in my mind. I wonder why I still think of him and compare others with him though I (think to) know that I made the right decision. But even after all these months it feels like I did a big mistake.

I find myself at the same point like always...see all the text above. I keep myself from beeing happy. It is so annyoing!!! My mind won't stop thinking. My thoughts are a mess. I always get headaches and have sleepless nights. Sometimes I think I follow an ideal which doesn't exist in reality, and, if is that the point - I know I have to let go of it. But it is easier said than done...

I know this whole post sounds very pessimistic and depressing. But now that I let go of all my thoughts I feel much better. It also was just in time, that I talked to two of my closest friends about it, to hear their opions and advices.

Oh, there's so much more I could tell you but I don't have words for it, and, I don't want to bother you longer. My next posts will be happier and brighter than this one.

Sending you all my love ♥