making peace with the past

First of all: My mother and I never had this typical mother-daughter-relationship and in the past, we had lots of fights and arguments. 

When I was younger, I envied my friends for their loving and friendship like relationship to their mothers. I wondered why my mother and I don't have such a good relationship. As a child, and when my parents were still married, and after their divorce, it was my dad who spent most of the time with me. He did activities and trips with me. We went out for walks and had lovely bike rides. My mother wasn't really interessted in such things and when my parents told me, their getting divorced, I first wanted to stay with my dad - a life with my mother...unthinkable. But my dad convinced me, to stay with my mother and sister, while he moved out. Luckily, not far away, so we could meet, whenever I needed to escape from the madness at home: fights and arguments with my mother and my older sister. 

The years passed, I left my teenage vanity and rebellion behind, I grew a bit wiser and started, to look at  things differently. I stopped to start fights about things which were irrelevant. I started to find my own way to look at the world. My year abroad and the marriage of my mother with my stepdad, who's a wonderful person, helped us to change our relationship. The distant to her and the relaxed personality of my stepdad teached me to look at my mother differently, too. I began to tell her things directly and bluntly, but still in a nice way. How should she know how I feel, when I don't tell her? Of course, she wasn't very happy about some things I mentioned, which followed me my whole life. But it was important to me and I think, it helped both of us, to clarify things from the past and to make steps forward.

I realized that my mother didn't have a loving childhood herself. A mother who didn't treat her the way she deserved. She was the oldest and had to help her mother the most. But my grandmother (not the same one, who lost her husband) never thanked her for that. No loving words passed her lips and my mother felt unloved, while my aunt, my mother's little sister, got all the love and attention. I'm not saying that my grandmother never showed any love, it was only very rare. I, myself, noticed this myself, when I was younger. I think, my grandmother doesn't know how her words affect someone's emotions. She soen't think, before she talks. That's why I distanced myself from her. My mother instead, can't do it so easily. After all, it is her mother.

With the move into my own home, our relationship became better. It seemed, mother missed me, and I kinda missed her, too. She showed more emotions and we both opened more and more. When I recall my childhood, I can't remember, that my mother ever hugged me. This was something I really missed, next to loving words. But the reason why she couldn't do such things is because she never got these things herself, when she was a child.

So it felt strange, when she hugged me for the very first time, for both of us. But she tried and it was a beginning. My mother learned, that she missed a lot in the past and I think highly of her to break down the walls of detachment and showing feelings. 

I let it happen. I don't blame her for what happened in the past. It is long gone. My mother tries to change and she has my respect. I can imagine it wasn't easy but it only matters that she decided to do this step.

I forgive her. Forgiveness makes the life easier. Only the NOW matters. 

 "Forgiveness does not change the past, 
but it does enlarge the future."

 ~Paul Boese

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. It grew longer than thought and I hope it is easy to follow. It wasn't always easy to find the right words, especially since english isn't my native language.

Sending you all my love!

♥